An essay written by Vanessa, IELTS Student
-----------Here is the original script----------
The need to grow one’s business seems to have made companies prioritize “profit” over “employee happiness”. Although profit is important in keeping up with the high demands of any business, one should always take into consideration the state of their employees’ happiness especially in regards to their salaries, fringe benefits, and overall workplace condition.
There are several ways by which an employer could address this issue.
Foremost, employers could probably start standardizing their employees’ salaries. Not one of them should even go below the government’s allowable base income. On the other hand, those holding managerial and high-level positions must also be paid based on the demand and difficulty of their jobs as well as their overall performance. This would make them feel well-compensated.
Another thing to consider is the inclusion of fringe benefits to their base income such as additional allowances, insurances, and paid sick- or vacation leaves. The added privileges and security would definitely make the employees feel more special and well taken-cared of by the company.
Last but not the least is that of keeping the environment as conducive for work as possible. This could be in the form of having airconditioning units in the area, adequate supplies and stocks, efficient machineries and gadgets for production, and the presence of supportive superiors and colleagues. Being able to work in this kind of environment is a big factor in their overall well-being.
It is my belief that the abovementioned recommendations will greatly affect the state of happiness and satisfaction among all employees. This might even be beneficial to the company because of the tremendous effect it could have in the morale, motivation and overall output of the employees.
---------Below is the essay with the corrections in parentheses and the rater's comments------
The need to grow one’s business seems to have made companies prioritize “profit” over “employee happiness” (shouldn’t this be employee’s happiness, or happiness of the employee, or the general welfare of the employees?). Although profit is important in keeping up with the high demands of any business (do you mean to keep the business running?), one (who is one?) should always take into consideration the state of their (their does not grammatically agree with one) employees’ happiness (the word happiness has been repeated several times) especially in (shouldn’t this be with instead of in?) regards to their salaries, fringe benefits, and overall workplace condition.
Rater’s comment : The introduction, despite some grammatical inconsistencies and lapses, still expresses the main idea. The presentation of idea; however, is affected by the ineffective use of terminologies. On the other hand, the paragraph shows range in both grammar (especially the use of verb tense markers and vocabulary like fringe benefits. Also, the introduction shows a clear outline of ideas.
There are several ways by which an employer could address this issue. (which issue are you referring to?)
Rater’s comment: The thesis statement is very concise but it’s confusing especially that she mentions “this issue” when there wasn’t a specific issue raised in the introduction.
Foremost (this means first in rank - do you intend to present the reasons in order according to rank? Otherwise, the word choice is inappropriate), employers could probably start standardizing their employees’ salaries (the sentence is concise but what you can use the noun form of the gerund “standardizing” which is “standardization” as in ‘employers could probably start with the standardization of the employees salaries.’) . Not one of them should even go below the government’s allowable base income (The sentence has confusing syntax…are you referring to the employees or the salaries?). On the other hand (this is used to express contradiction, contrast, or opposing ideas, this also means conversely, and from other side or aspect. You may use In addition, Furthermore, Also, etc. should you be adding more ideas related to the first statement), those holding managerial and high-level positions must also be paid (you can use the following words salaried, compensated, remunerated, or compensated ) based on the demand and difficulty of their jobs as well as their over-all performance. This would make them feel well-compensated.
Rater’s comment: Inappropriate use of signal and linking utterance (e.g. on the other hand). Confusing syntax; however, the sentences still express the main idea and supporting details. Be more specific with your terminologies so your ideas will be expressed more clearly.
Another thing to consider is the inclusion of fringe benefits to their (do not use pronoun unless the identity is established, who is “their”?) base (this should be basic) income (income is general but if it is from employment, it must be referred to as salary, compensation, etc.) such as additional allowances, insurances, and paid sick or vacation leaves. The added privileges and security would definitely make the employees feel more special and well taken – cared (This should be taken care. Care is not a verb, it’s a noun) of by the company.
Rater’s Comment: The paragraph is near perfect but please be conscious with the use of pronouns as they can be tricky sometimes. Some of the words used maybe are correct but do not necessarily express the meaning you want to convey.
The last but not the least is that of keeping the environment (you can just remove the relative pronoun that…as in “The last but not the least is keeping the environment conducive for work as possible.”) as conducive for work as possible. This could be in the form of having (this can be better expressed by saying, this can be done by installing airconditioning units in the area) airconditioning units in the area, (providing) adequate supplies and stocks, efficient machineries and gadgets for production, and the presence of supportive superiors and colleagues (This sentence has a lot of run-ons. You can minimize this by simply by splitting this sentence into two different sentences.) Being able to work in this kind of environment is a big factor in their overall well-being. (The sentence does not express a clear thought.)
Rater’s Comment: The use of different sentence structures in your paragraph can be a manifestation of your ability to use good range of grammar structure. Should it affect the way you present your thoughts, better keep your sentences in simple structure. Make sure the sentences you have are succinct by avoiding the use of a lot of run-ons.
It is my belief that the abovementioned recommendations will greatly affect the state of happiness and satisfaction among all employees. This might (inappropriate use of modal verb – you can use “can”) even be beneficial to the company because of the tremendous effect it could have in the morale, motivation and overall output of the employees.
Rater’s Comment: The conclusion is concise and is well-constructed though there are some errors in grammatical structure.
Point for Point Critique
BY: Ariem Venezuela Cinco
This essay gets a score of 6.5
Task Response: The response answers the question though some of the details are not clearly explained. The response has an introduction, body and conclusion. The introduction does not have a clear main idea but it presents a clear outline of the whole essay. The candidate presents her ideas in full paragraphs. The response has more than 250 words.
Lexical Resource: The candidate shows range in vocabulary as manifested in her use of phrasal verbs and complex vocabulary (e.g. could have, might even be, abovementioned, conducive, tremendous, etc.). However, there are evident systematic errors in the use of some terminologies. Some of the words are formulaic and are used repeatedly several times. She has the grasp of idiomatic language but there are some inconsistencies with the usage.
Coherence and Cohesion: The candidate expresses her ideas coherently. She is able to use linking utterances, signals, and cohesive devices effectively (e.g. foremost, another thing is, and last but not least, and however) except for some which are used inappropriately (e.g. on the other hand). The response is fully developed and the progression of ideas is clear.
Grammar Range and Accuracy: The candidate can express her ideas using a variety of sentence structures but systematic errors in the use of complex structures are evident. She has the grasp of the complex structures like the use of verb tense markers (e.g. the tremendous effect it could have in the morale, motivation and overall output of the employees). modality. and the like. She has the full grasp of simple sentence structure.
------here is the improved version of the essay--------
By: Vanessa. IELTS Student
Note: The revised version of the essay receives a grade of 8.5
The need to grow one’s business and the pressure to be ahead of the competition seems to have resulted in many companies putting profit first before employees’ happiness and welfare. Of course, profit is a key factor in running a business because of its effect on sustainability. However, employers must not forget the fact that employee satisfaction and welfare are also of equal importance.
There are several ways on how to approach this…
First, standardize employees’ salaries. Workers who are currently being paid below minimum wage must have their salaries upgraded to meet labor laws. Furthermore, those employees holding managerial and high-level positions must also be compensated based on the demand and difficulty of their jobs taking into consideration the employees’ overall performance.
Second, fringe benefits such as allowances, insurances, and paid sick- or vacation leaves should also be included in the employee’s basic compensation. Studies have shown that the presence of additional privileges, whether monetary or in kind, greatly improve the degree of satisfaction among employees. This is because these added benefits somehow help improve the employees’ standard of living.
Last but not the least is the environment of the worker (do you mean the work environment). Employers and their managers must ensure that the overall ambience in the workplace is as conducive for work as possible. This could be done by installing airconditioning units, providing adequate supplies and stocks, as well as procuring efficient machineries and gadgets for production. Also, part of that environment is the presence of supportive superiors and colleagues who must be ready to assist and respond whenever needed.
I believe that the abovementioned recommendations, when applied, undoubtedly results to happier, more satisfied employees simply because of the tremendous effect these strategies have in their morale, confidence, and productivity.
